alexithymia

alexithymia UK / əˌlɛksɪˈθʌɪmɪə / noun  the inability to recognise or describe one's own emotions

One of my co-occurring conditions I have is Alexithymia, which is often mistaken for Autism, and some of the diagnostic criteris for Alexithymia is used to diagnose Autism. As you can see from the definition above, it is the inability to recognise or describe my emotions. Its also sometimes referred to as emotional blindness.

Broadly speaking, Alexithymia presents as variations of the following:

• Difficulty identifying feelings.

• Difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations (interoception) of emotional arousal.

• Difficulty describing feelings to other people.

• Difficulty identifying facial expressions.

• Difficulty identifying/remembering faces. (an extreme form of the latter is prosopagnosia/face blindness)

• Difficulty fantasising.

• A thinking style focused on external events (often avoiding inner experiences).

For me this manifests in my ability to understand other peoples emotions autonomously. If someone tells me they're sad, I can logically process that emotion and understand that that's bad for them. But if I get drawn into a situation where its is unclear as to how the other individual is feeling, I can sometimes say the wrong thing and make the person feel worse.

I am often flat, airing on the side of cold. I smile because it's expected of me. I practice my smile in the mirror to try and make sure its believable. Its odd. I do it without thinking. Its not because I'm not happy, its because I don't know what happy feels like, I just know when I am supposed to feel happy. This lack of understanding of emotions and cues creates a lot of difficulty in my relationship with my partner, and has caused a current feeling of her being ground down by me over time. This is quite difficult because I'm completely unaware of it happening. We are working on trying to discuss this more often and if I make her feel a certain emotion, I've asked that she let me know, vocalise it, rather internalise it.

For more information check out Alexithymia & Autism Guide.

You can also take a test to gain some insights into whether you have Alexithymia.

Take the Alexithymia Questionaire

first steps

In the days after my diagnosis I felt a very strong need to connect with anybody I knew who had Autism. The list was short. Very Short. There were two people I knew that weren’t children, who were Autistic.

I reached out to both. It has been incredible being able to talk to people who understand. I would urge anyone to do that too. I received some great advice, which I’ll share in this blog as I go through it.

I did reach out to a Facebook Group, but this didn’t go very well. Being new, I didn’t really understand the negative connotations of the language surrounding Autism. I used the phrase “High Functioning”, and was quickly told off. I left the group immediately feeling un-supported and pretty bad about myself. (Not sure what the lesson is there.)

I don’t really know what my partner was going through. She didn’t know what to do next I suppose. The feelings were negative. I remember that. I think my Autistic brain has already repressed it. I’ve realised I do this with small negative events. I forget them pretty quickly and re-create the narrative to make myself feel better. (theres probably a name for that.)

I felt an intense amount of relief and validation from my diagnosis. I am not a horrible person. I am Autistic. I am mis-understood by the world. I'm Autistic. The bad relationships that I have with some people are not my fault. I'm Autistic.

I’ve always struggled to keep friends, I’ve blamed life for the most part; moving on and the other person not keeping in touch. I suppose what happened was that I didn’t show enough interest in that person for them to keep in touch.

One thing that most men have in common is Football. People bond over it intensely. I don’t care for it, so I’ve never maintained friendships via it. I’ve noticed people do maintain friendships based on shared interests. I dont fit the stereotypical Autictic mould of having obsessive interests. I have a select few interested. Film. I’m not obsessed with it, but I’ve always loved the escape of watching a film. I suppose I'm escaping from my own life when I watch them. Although I’ve always been a very good reader, to the point where I was the best reader in the class at school, I never kept up with reading Fiction. I’ve only read a handful of books in my life. But films allowed me to digest the story, in a heightened sensory way.

I do however read an insane amount of News. Skimming mostly, but reading none-the-less. It's become a habit.

I’m aware that I’m digressing. This is going to happen. I’m not really editing these posts. The stream of consciousness thing is probably going to be a theme. I want an honest account of my experience to help others. Nothing is contrived.

One of the Autistic people I know told me about the Autistic Advocate - Kieran Rose. He’s an academic, researcher and is Autistic. He did a series of training videos about Autism, designed for recently diagnosed adults, professionals, parents of autistic children; pretty much anyone to be honest. These videos are specifically about reframing the narratives around Autism and helping people to understand Autism from an Autistic perspective. This blog is the result of me watching these videos. It blew my mind wide open. I think I'll write about these learnings next.