alexithymia

alexithymia UK / əˌlɛksɪˈθʌɪmɪə / noun  the inability to recognise or describe one's own emotions

One of my co-occurring conditions I have is Alexithymia, which is often mistaken for Autism, and some of the diagnostic criteris for Alexithymia is used to diagnose Autism. As you can see from the definition above, it is the inability to recognise or describe my emotions. Its also sometimes referred to as emotional blindness.

Broadly speaking, Alexithymia presents as variations of the following:

• Difficulty identifying feelings.

• Difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations (interoception) of emotional arousal.

• Difficulty describing feelings to other people.

• Difficulty identifying facial expressions.

• Difficulty identifying/remembering faces. (an extreme form of the latter is prosopagnosia/face blindness)

• Difficulty fantasising.

• A thinking style focused on external events (often avoiding inner experiences).

For me this manifests in my ability to understand other peoples emotions autonomously. If someone tells me they're sad, I can logically process that emotion and understand that that's bad for them. But if I get drawn into a situation where its is unclear as to how the other individual is feeling, I can sometimes say the wrong thing and make the person feel worse.

I am often flat, airing on the side of cold. I smile because it's expected of me. I practice my smile in the mirror to try and make sure its believable. Its odd. I do it without thinking. Its not because I'm not happy, its because I don't know what happy feels like, I just know when I am supposed to feel happy. This lack of understanding of emotions and cues creates a lot of difficulty in my relationship with my partner, and has caused a current feeling of her being ground down by me over time. This is quite difficult because I'm completely unaware of it happening. We are working on trying to discuss this more often and if I make her feel a certain emotion, I've asked that she let me know, vocalise it, rather internalise it.

For more information check out Alexithymia & Autism Guide.

You can also take a test to gain some insights into whether you have Alexithymia.

Take the Alexithymia Questionaire